november, 2006
today and two
days ago i chopped onions.
i cut them up
into neat little circles and then cubes.
i broke them
into pieces, fingered them until they gave in,
submitted to
my recipe.
and i cried.
i couldn't stop.
i wanted to,
but the smell, the sight, the fumes,
got into my
eyes. seeped in and held there until i,
blinded,
rushed to the sink and stood near the water.
single tears
ran down my cheeks and i
let them be,
because i wasn't ashamed. i went back to
my knife and
cut scars into their perfect symmetry.
i can't get
the smell off my hands.
i saw a
picture of you today. i couldn't believe it.
it was you
but it wasn't. same neck, same hair, same jacket,
eyes shaded,
smile shot. i stared and felt the touch, i looked
and remembered
the smells, i watched as you barely touched her,
memorized
your face and the blankness that replaced me.
and i almost
cried. i almost cried because of your
layers, your
feelings, your indifference, your potency. i almost cried
because i
made you run and made me turn to water. i almost
wept because
i should be there, i should be her, i should mean
something. i
can't wash you away, your smell, your looks, your words are
tattooed on
me, permanently there. i almost cried.
but i
stopped. i took a breath. i didn't cry because i knew
katie
wouldn't want me to. i didn't cry because kerri wants me happy. i
forced tears
back at bay because im in england -
this is my
life now. this is me and my scarred life.
and look at
me, content facade.
see my smile
and know i’m forever broken. can't be
fixed, won't
be fixed because your voice hangs over me,
your smell
stays on my clothes, my vision blinded by you and water doesn't help.
still, i
return to the stab of life, put on a smile,
my eyes as
blank as yours.
in life we
learn to love things that
don't love us
back. we learn to keep
cutting, keep
crying, we learn to keep washing.
we learn to
keep.
we learn to
love because we know
it's aroma is
important, flavorful, full of
life. tell
me, why do you waste your wildness
on life without
love?
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