Evaluations

It's incredible to me that I haven't posted something in over two years.  I used to be so dedicated to writing, sharing, and keeping my life available to people.  Apparently I don't feel the need to be quite so open anymore.  However, every now and then, a time comes along in your life where some evaluations need to be made.  Some people do this every year, apparently I do my life observations every 7 years, as I think my last big list was in 2006.  So here goes, a collection of thoughts and discoveries from the past four months.  If you're reading this, I apologize for the length.  Feel free to take breaks and settle in with some snacks.

A couple of things I know:

~ Life is too short to have a negative attitude.  Every spring, flowers, thistles, green things, weeds push their way up through the dog shit and the broken bottles and the cigarette butts that is my garden.  And why?  Oh, probably science.  For sure, science, life cycles, chemicals, sun, energy, whatever.  But there is something uplifting about that.  Something to hold on to.  Rain beats down upon them, ice has buried them beneath layers and sheets, and still something within them causes them to survive and even thrive.  Life is too short to have a negative attitude.  And no matter how hurt, how confused, how frustrated I am, I am not the kind of person to hold on to hate and sadness.  I am not an angry person.  I refuse to wither.  I choose life, I choose love, I choose optimism and happiness.  Because it’s worth it.  It is that simple.

~ Don’t ever underestimate me.  I am an intelligent, wily, fiery redhead.  I am an excellent investigator.  I know exactly what I’m looking for, and because I am very good at reading people and understanding their motivations, I often know exactly what I will find before I find it.  I’m usually dead on about these instincts.  It boggles my mind that people don’t think I can decipher what’s real and what only appears to be.  Get a clue.  I have never been stupid.  Ever.

~ I have moved apartments every year since I've lived in Milwaukee.  I hate moving.  I am a terrible un-packer.  

 ~ I am so grateful for my friends.  Whether they are here in my current city, living in Turkey or South Korea, in different time zones, they will do their best to be there for me.  They are amazing.  Thanks, friends - near and far.

~ You’ve heard that nothing good happens after 2 am?  I think I’d change that to nothing good happens after 1 am.  Maybe 12 am.  Especially after 1 am it’s time to just go to bed.

~ Desperate is not a good look for most girls, and I need to learn to resist some desperate urges. 

~ I am a fiercely loyal person and I am probably one of the best friends you will ever have.  Loyalty is not, nor should it ever be considered a weakness.  It is a strength.  And it is a strength that many of my friends have and I love that about them.  I don’t give up on people, I am relatively patient, and I forgive easily.  Far too easily.  I am willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.  There is a reason I am best friends with two of my ex-boyfriends.  It was not an easy road and it has come with plenty of heartache, but I am incredibly grateful for their friendship every day. 

~ You can’t always get what you want.

~ You’ve heard the saying, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” ?  A saying that I should learn, “If you can’t say something sober, don’t say anything at all.”  Professing  emotions, facts, life lessons while after drinking certain quantities of alcohol should be STRONGLY discouraged.

~ Following the above, sometimes it’s okay to go to bed mad.  Tomorrow is a new day, and things usually look better in the morning. 

~ White wine makes me start sobbing.  Red wine may have no effect or it may make me feisty, sassy, and even incredibly angry.  Too much liquor will get me trashed (although, I suppose this is true of most people).  Beer has no negative consequences as of yet.  (Knock on wood.)  I sometimes need to plan my night with the kind of alcohol I drink.  Is that sad?

~ Gardening is a mothering experience.  Especially growing flowers and vegetables from seed.  I have rarely felt more protective about something than when putting seedlings out in nature after they have been cultivated under my silly, non-effective, non-grow-light indoors.  And when they get smashed, nibbled on, scratched at, wrecked by demon squirrels I feel enraged, livid, helpless.

~ Tomatoes and peppers like sun.  A lot.  (THEY'RE GROWING - THRIVING - in Christa's garden!!!)

~ One only needs to put on a short dress and some high-heeled boots to gain the attentions of weird 40 year old (and +) men in Milwaukee.  Jeez. 

~ I should find time for my creativity.

~ I’m way too nice.  Very nice.  Don’t take advantage of my boundaries.  It's not nice and it may bring out the crazy redhead temper.  If you're very unlucky.  

~ The best revenge, apart from slashing bike tires (which I have resisted the urge to do so many times), is to be very healthy, look and feel attractive, and appear to be radiating happiness.  At all times.

~ I’m finding that I have a lot of Capricorn traits in addition to Sagittarius.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.  Capricorns sound pretty boring, unfortunately.  Old fuddy-duddys.  Yes, I just said fuddy-duddys.

~ I am ambitious.  Generally, I know what I want.  I know what kind of relationship I want.  The career, eh, kind of.  But I know exactly what I want from a relationship. I do not think it’s weird, I do not think it’s unexpected or strange that I know these things or know what I want.  And I will not compromise.  I should not have to apologize or compromise on what I believe is a healthy, normal, happy relationship. 

~ Adele.  Poor thing.  She’s like the queen of break-up songs.  She gets it.  Like, for real.  I guess I’m grateful for the heartbreak she has had in her life.  I could listen to 21 on repeat.

~ Hugs can be evil things.

~ “You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.” 

~ I do not do well with uncertainty and ambiguity.  I like plans.

~ I am so lucky and so blessed with this life that I have.  I forget that all too often.  There are so many perfect little wonderful moments every day.  I should cling to those effervescent moments.  I need to remember how beautiful they are and how fantastic that I get to experience them.  Something as sweet as a child's smile, a conversation with a coffee barista that I barely know, something as tender as a touch, a kiss, laughter with friends over a common interest.  The heaviness that lifts when I return to Iowa, the green bluffs and the wind in the evergreens.  Lake Michigan rolling out in front of me and then crashing back in with a rhythmic and constant predictability.  I need to learn to find peace within what I have and what I have been given, and let that be enough.  For now.