Today was not a bad day. I got to work early, I accomplished a large part of a project, the day went by fairly quickly. I dragged myself to the gym. I felt like I ran pretty hard. I didn't break any awesome records or anything, but compared to my recent inactivity, I definitely did pretty well. I did three sets of pull ups. I hope that I'm sore tomorrow. I think I will be. It felt good to make my body work hard again. And my head felt a little clearer. Just a little. If only I could keep this feeling of motivation.
I came home, watered my [and Christa's] plants in the dark. I plucked a red cherry tomato. They are growing like weeds, but this was the first that was ripe. It was pretty sweet, a fairly decent flavor. It's so cool to see how they've grown. And my hot peppers are just melting off the plants. I have so many. I'm really excited. I hope to try to pickle them.
I sat down to write some cover letters just now. I just don't know if I can make myself do it. I cranked out three last night, only to find out that one had already been filled. And I'm used to rejection from museums, so that doesn't really surprise me. It's just a deflating feeling. It feels futile. And I know compared to people who have sent out hundreds of job applications, my efforts are just a drop in the bucket.
Are you ever worried that you can't trust yourself and your instincts anymore? That has got to be one of the worst feelings. (I wonder if Jacob ever feels / felt this way. I imagine he probably does. Often.) I feel as though I have 16 different paths and roads in front of me and I have no idea which one to take. (Okay, it's not 16, but it may as well be for how overwhelming it all is.) And why does it feel so overwhelming right now? People deal with this stuff all the time. I've dealt with big transitions before. I think, a large part of it, is that I'm thinking too much about guys. If you read this blog, you probably know which guy I'm (surprisingly?) hung up on. Why? I think our personalities were so refreshingly close, and after Jacob whose path had gone so far away from mine, that was so great to see and feel that there were guys more like me out there. I think our interests were mirrored. I think our values were pretty similar. I felt we had a connection! I really really did. Now I think I maybe imagined it, dreamt the whole thing up. Why did I have to meet him? And why did I have to meet him now, at this point in my life? He's a great guy and I wonder if maybe it could have been something if my life wasn't all scrambled up right now. Probably not. But what if? And that's the worst freakin' part. I hate regretting things I didn't say and I hate wondering "what if"? Was it just that I was relieved someone could like me and get close to me after a pretty relationship left me crushed? Maybe. Maybe that's a big part of it. But why did it have to be THIS guy? Couldn't we have saved him for later, when I wasn't such a freaking mess? I don't know how to turn this off. I guess I'll have to live with it for a while and hope it dies off. Or text him when I get my life together. Or drunk text him and kill any possibility of a future once and for all. None of these are AWESOME options.
I'm thinking of going back to school for art education. Mother thinks it's a great idea. She's thrilled. (She's an art teacher.) Eric thinks it's a great idea. I'm not really sure what my other friends think of it. I'm torn. I know I'd like it, I think I'd be good at it, and I know I'd love the studio art part of the teaching degree. I feel like it's always been my plan B and I'm just admitting that I can't succeed in anything else. I suppose that's a pessimistic way of looking at it. Also, two more years of school! Sigh. More loans! Just delaying my life some more with school. And I love school. I think I'm strange, but I really love school. I can't shake the feeling that it's really stupid to get myself into more debt and very sad that I can't find a use for my Art History Masters.
I think I'll end here and stare at some job postings a little bit more.
As always, thanks for reading my angst. I wrote a TON of angsty poetry, so that might make an appearance in the near future. Eek.
Cheers!
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