Watch Me, You Made It Look

Watch Me, You Made It Look

Watch me boggle this.

Watch me juggle.

Watch me sink lower and lower

Into the pillows and sheets that you made me buy:

You spend one third of your life in bed,

Em. Watch us watching each other. 

Who will make the next move.

You made it look so easy.

I watched as you calmly laced

Your fingers over my cerulean mug

And tried to discuss our separate futures. 

I sat in the corner, mostly nodding, speaking in short, concise sentences.

At the end I tried to keep a safe distance.

I was scared of you and scared of myself.

I wanted to yank that mug out of your hands.

Don’t touch my things anymore.

Don’t touch me.

You made it look so easy

As you courted her in front of my eyes.

Wooed her with wine.

Traveled with her.

Introduced her to family and our friends.

Watch me botch this, though,

This and the next,

Watch it all spiral

Down into hole of self-loathing and

Endless questions.

You made it look so easy.

I gave it my best shot.

I was excited, enthusiastic,

Smitten.

But I can’t deal and neither can he. 

– why can’t he, don’t I deserve? –

It’s in my way, you’re in my way, he’s in my way

You’re all in my fucking way.

Get out the way.

I’m in my way.

You don’t know what it means, Emily.

What does it mean?

It means to try every day and expect to fail.

I’ve watched us both fail.

I’ve seen us both at our worst

At our most hopeless, wretched point.

I was leaving, in a hurry.

You hugged me when you got out of the shower.

I saw a bead of water glisten,

Cling,

To a microscopic strand of your hair.

You said words like mistake and phrases like doing the right thing,

Doing my best with this.

You said, Of course I love you.

Where are you going?

I’ll always be there for you.

None of that helped me,

By the way.

Who are you to say ­– ?

I clutched at you desperately.

I memorized the way droplets ran in rivulets down your ear to the lobe

And fell complacently to that hard shoulder.

I knew it was over soon.

I couldn’t help loving the way I fit perfectly into your firm body.

And the way I felt so safe even though my head screamed

Hell no!  Bullshit!  Run!

Don’t fucking touch me.

You made it look so easy with her.

So I jumped in to the next,

With only a little reservation, 

And failed. 

You can’t touch me anymore.

You don’t look good to me.

I don’t want you.

But I can’t get what I think I

Might possibly want anyway

So it doesn’t matter much.

What does it all mean?

I have no idea.

And I think you don’t know either.

You self-righteous bastard.  You have

Nothing

Figured out.  So don’t pretend with me.

Why did I meet him and you meet her?

I remember when ­–

But no.

Watch me through your reddened eyes.

Watch me bungle this next year,

Watch me struggle through while smiling all the way,

Pretending to smile – no – yes, is this real?

Who can say?

Watch me do this dance

Trying to choreograph my own steps.

Notice me, doing my best with this.

Too hard to move on, but I’m too easy to forget.

Do me a favor and remember.

Watch me and remember.