courtship

i am being courted and woo-ed by a young man who clearly knows what he's doing. it is turning out to be a very strange experience - something i've never quite encountered before. so far it's going well, but to be honest, it's pretty frightening, because most of the people i've dated, i've known for at least three months as friends before jumping into a relationship. i've known if i can trust them, i've known what their past has been, i've known them well enough that i can tell what they're thinking and when. this is not like that. it's out of my comfort zone. it's hard to separate the lines from the things i think he's being genuine about. i'm trying not to get taken in, because he's a sweet talker, he's very cute and he's good at spinning compliments. i'm trying to be very cynical, distrusting, and unattached. he's doing well though. he's trying really hard (too hard?) and despite my best efforts to remain neutral and uninvested... i really like him. that is a problem. a big, dangerous problem. it's the blue eyes. UGH. they'll get me every time. must resist the blue eyes... so yes, it's been a fairly positive experience so far.... and we'll see what happens, i think deep down i'm still convinced he'll get tired of me and run away...

this year alone, milwaukee men seem to have become aware of my existence. i've had dates with three different men, and rejected a date with a fourth. am i giving off some kind of strange "look at me, i'm available" hormone?

sometimes i wish i could skip dating. i wish i could jump directly ahead two to ten years and see myself settled with a nice gentleman, in a house, perhaps with a dog running around. i want to have all the stupid "getting to know you" stuff figured out. i want to be the "comfortable" couple who knows what they're doing for holidays. i don't want to be 24 and in limbo - thinking, "is this person the one? ... ugh, why are all my friends married? ... why do all my cousins bring their boyfriends to christmas dinner?" i want to be settled. i want to have someone steady, solid, committed to share things with. maybe it's the only child thing, but i'm just sick of being a "single" person in group settings like for holidays and friend groups. i know dating is supposed to be the fun part. and i know i am notorious for over-thinking relationships and being such a dramatic girl about certain things. but really, dating is stressful. i feel like it's like filling out a resume or job application. you want to impress the person, you want to over-accentuate the good parts of yourself, so that they'll hire you and then they'll slowly begin to realize you have flaws. and everyone has flaws, but hopefully you realize you can learn to live with them, instead of them driving you insane.

i'm also not great with risk. and dating someone is a huge risk. especially someone you don't know well and met when you were intoxicated. ;) i'm trying to be all cute and optimistic, "well, if i didn't date him, then i'd never know what it was like, and i might be completely missing out on something really great, so i have to give it a try." but really? wow. dating is a HUGE risk. i like to know what's coming, i like predictability (most of the time). again, dating is completely out of my comfort zone. but again, to be completely fair and realistic, i suppose you can never be completely safe with a person, you're never completely risk-free. see certain examples of divorce, cheating spouses, lying, or just "falling out of love" with someone... it happens every day.

it's dangerous for me - as a girl who gets attached pretty easily and is, deep down, a complete romantic. but it's also exciting. it's kind of funny what happens when you're feeling good about life, you think you have everything figured out, and then life throws you a curve ball. and you're like - "wow, i totally didn't see that coming..."

so here goes, i guess. maybe i'll jump in. what the hell... it'll be something new, exciting, out of my little box. new year's resolution? don't be so satisfied with what appears to be safe and routine... embrace change. take some risks.