Apartment Hunting Hysteria

I'm in the market for an apartment. Preferably a cheap one bedroom, but I'm entertaining thoughts of going even cheaper and getting a studio.

I don't know why, but apartment hunting sort of fills me with dread and despair. I should be thrilled; as an artsy woman, I like new spaces, I like decorating, I'm at the point in my life where I just want a place of my own to love and fill with my own aesthetics and essence. But every time I jot down a listing, and I look at the number, my heart sort of stops and I can't make my digits enter the number into my cell.

I've been trying to decipher just why this is. I've never enjoyed calling people I don't know, but that's sort of a wimpy fear, and something that I should get over. I usually practice a speech about 10 times before calling, and then I stutter through it when the other person answers and we get along fine. It might be this distinct realization that I'm growing up and I now have to care about paying gas, electric, cable, internet, and parking bills. They're no longer lumped into one nice little rent check that I pay every month. It might be the very real possibility that I'll screw up and I'll sign a lease on an apartment that I don't like very much, that's too much money, loud, small, poorly laid out, and in a bad section of town. The "too much money" problem is almost a certainty - I find that I have expensive tastes, and as I have a sad excuse for a job, my expensive taste is rather unfortunate. By now, I know where the "bad sections" of town are, something my mother keeps worrying about, location is basically what she cares about. I don't like the feeling of being shown an apartment. To me, that is the same feeling when talking to my department head about a paper I have to write. I feel like I have to have a thesis, or a vast amount of questions to throw at them concerning heat, demographics of the building community, cable, internet, AC, parking, the age of the windows, pest control, loudness of the area etc. I feel like I have to be super prepared with this information that I'm supposed to compare it to - that I haven't even gathered yet - as in, I have no experience in picking out apartments. I clam up, I nod a lot, I wander around and never look them in the eye. This is how I behave in a classroom setting as well. I say "okay" or "I like the built in china cabinets" which is nice, but not particularly critical. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm a picky person when it comes to my spaces and rooms.

With the troubling feeling that I'm growing up comes the hard cold fact that I'm graduating in December, and thus will be unemployed, still living beyond my means in Milwaukee. Everyone asks what kind of job I plan to get. Usually I spout my ideal job in a museum somewhere, working with kids, or as a registrar, or collections manager. But the truth is, I may not get a job in the museum or art history field and that's kinda sad. In that case, I don't know what I'll do, I suppose waitress or take any random job that comes my way. Or go back to school. Education is ubiquitous, right?

I've strayed from the point a little, but that illustrates the way my mind works these days. Perhaps another reason I dislike apartment hunting is because the "on-site managers" often are some pretty strange and irresponsible characters. I called an apartment today for an appointment; the phone rang three times before it was answered by a clanging of what sounded like pipes falling to the floor, there was a grunt or something resembling a greeting "He-" and then the phone went dead. Exhibit B, I showed up at an open house for an apartment building and the door was locked. I called the number of the guy who was showing it and he answered, "Oh. Yeah. Sorry, that's canceled for today. There was an emergency." He did not sound at all troubled by this emergency. Not worried or anything. Very vague. "Something came up. I'm in another town." I inquired if it was open Sunday and next Tuesday as the ad had said. "Yeah. Sure. Come back Sunday." Helpful. Excellent.

Sunday I have made a list of the open houses that I'm interested in and I plan on charging forth into the fray and conquering this fear of apartment hunting. Wish me luck!