Remember in Valentine's Day in elementary school? You go out with your mom and you'd buy boxes of syrupy sweet red and pink cards and candy to stuff into your classmate's Valentine's day bag. Or maybe you'd buy two different kinds of Valentine's - Spider man for the boys and Disney Princesses for the girls. And this is what I did. I can't speak for my male readers out there, but this is what my cute little romantic self of age 7 or 8 would do. I would pour over those Spider man Valentines and pick the sweetest one to give to my elementary school crush. I was sure he'd read it and understand that "I'm stuck on you!" or some equally trite declaration of adoration meant that I had a huge crush on him and I wanted him to notice me. I would pick this sweetest one and I would attach the red sucker to it, and I would pen his name in my best handwriting and I would watch fervently as he opened it on February 14th. Now, I don't know, but I'm guessing boys don't even read the Valentines in school, I'm guessing they just rip off the red sucker, press the white logos down on their tongue, and then stick out their tongue at the girls to show the cool white sugar has been transferred to the tips of their taste-buds. That's what I'm guessing. Which is fair. I mean, hell, I like candy too. Additionally, my romantic 7 or 8 year old self would search the Valentine I got from my crush and inwardly gush at it for the day. And then I turned to devouring my candy and imagining romantic scenarios of myself and the little boy who got my Valentine.
As I grew older, I came to hate Valentine's Day. First of all, in high school you have the "Send your sweetheart a Carnation" or something. And sure, maybe I got some carnations from my friends, but it didn't elicit a romantic display from any of the guys I had my eye on. Secondly, I began to work at Hallmark. If you've never gone into Hallmark during February, don't. Just run the opposite direction. Pink and red everywhere. Glitter. Lace. Floof. It's disgusting. Little stuffed bears that when you press their foot say "You're huggable!" or "I love you!" said in a saccharine voice that makes you want to rip off their heads. Recordable frames that can say your sweet nothings to your woman every day so you don't have to. Frogs with a crown on their head (Prince Charming in disguise obviously) and huge lips making eyes at a female frog. Men rushing in at the last minute, picking out a $7 card with glitter lace, and a formulated sweet message because they forgot Valentine's Day, didn't make dinner reservations, and have no gift, and the $7 card will make up for it. Their next stop is clearly the florist. Hallmark during February is the epitome of why I hate Valentine's Day. As if `here's just one day out of the year where you can celebrate your love for someone, make them feel special, buy them a glittery card that says everything you want to say but can't? No. Not just one day. Not just the month of February. And honestly, gifts and $7 cards aren't going to make someone's Valentine's Day special. Personally, I feel that Valentine's Day is kind of a cop out. If you've forgotten your special someone for a while, you can make it up to them on Valentine's Day - sometimes I feel that's how this holiday is marketed. NO! Don't be lazy in a relationship. You try every day to make it work, make it special. Send flowers on a Thursday in July, leave him little love notes on a Sunday in October. You don't need a holiday to tell someone "I love you."
After writing this third paragraph over and over again, trying not to sound mushy, trying not to sound too emotional, trying not to sound too cynical and bitchy, and trying not to sound too scared (which is really what this is all stemming from, probably), I guess what I'm saying is I wish it would be easy again. I wish I could just be that little girl picking out sugary Valentines and eating all my yummy candy. As I've grown, I've discovered that life and love aren't something out of a romantic comedy and there's SO MUCH MORE wrapped up in it. Obviously, right? But as a little girl, I never thought about the hard stuff. Of course not, I had no idea of what lay in store for me. I just thought of fireworks and sparks, flowers and rings, and kisses and hugs. But that other stuff, the commitment issues, the worry, the trust, the fear all factor in to the shiny feeling that people call love. Which really sucks. And it's hard to get past those other things; it's hard once you've shut yourself off for a while, to let go of the fear, let things in, let everything be okay, and just be open to falling in love. I still hate Valentine's Day. But I could really go for one of my mother's heart shaped sugar cookies right now. Even if they are frosted with pink frosting. Bring. It. On.
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